Mission Rejected

207: The Spy Who Forgot Me

Episode Summary

The Deceptionem is in Washington D.C...and no one is available.

Episode Notes

The Deceptionem is in Washington D.C...and no one is available.

Written by
John Dowgin & Pete Barry

Directed by
Pete Barry

Starring
Chris Klaniecki as Ken Anderson
Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath
Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief
Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak
Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders
with Kirk White as Chet Phillips
and Kevin McGrath as the Mission Voice

Also Starring
Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien
Jill Ivey as Computer Voice and Techie
and Bob Killion as Fitz and The Admiral

Guest Starring
Rebecca Serfass as Lucky
Dave Serfass as J.J. Prescott
John Dowgin as Dr. Biff Studebaker
Pete Barry as Kristatos O'Brien
Eric Perry as Whitmire
Eric Werner as Balthazar Montcrief
 

Music, sound effects and mixing by
Pete Barry

Edited by
Pete Barry and John Dowgin

Created and Produced by
Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, and John Dowgin

A complete transcript of this episode is available here.

Sound effect attributions below. All other sound effects by Pete Barry.

 

Episode Transcription

SOUND: A MECHANICAL DEVICE ROTATES AND LOCKS INTO PLACE.

COMPUTERIZED VOICE
Deceptionem deprogramming session Thirty-Two. State your name.

LUCKY
Yes, I am that great bicon, Abraham Lincoln.

SOUND: A HARSH BUZZ

COMPUTERIZED VOICE
State your name.

LUCKY
Betty Rubble.

SOUND: A HARSH BUZZ

COMPUTERIZED VOICE
Further noncompliance will result in punishment.

LUCKY
Buy me a drink first.

SOUND: AN ELECTRICAL ZAP

LUCKY
Jeez, fine! I’m Athena O’Brien.

SOUND: DING!

COMPUTERIZED VOICE
Further noncompliance will -

LUCKY
Hey, even your lie detector says I’m Athena. Maybe you need a diagnostic, RoboFlop.

COMPUTERIZED VOICE
Subject remains hostile.

LUCKY
YOU WANT HOSTILE, YOU OVERGROWN ALEXA?

SOUND: BABY WHALE BEGINS TO PLAY ON A LOOP

LUCKY
I’M ATHENA O’BRIEN AND I’M GONNA MURDER EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU -

SOUND: HEADPHONES GET SLAMMED DOWN. WE TRANSITION INTO THE OBSERVATION ROOM.

FITZ
Jeez! Supervillains get so...testy.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS

FITZ
Section Chief Prescott! I didn’t expect you back so -

PRESCOTT
Good afternoon, Agent Fitzpivetz-Llellwellyn-Montague-Gwinn. I’d like a full debrief.

FITZ
Now, sir? Don’t you have all these files?

PRESCOTT
Verbal reports are standard protocol, Agent. Are you countermanding my request?

FITZ
No sir! Sorry sir! Lucky Lessmacher still believes she’s Athena O’Brien. The profile suggests Athena, uh, really hates government agencies and wants us all dead?

PRESCOTT
I can’t imagine why.

PRESCOTT
So. Uh...I’m trying Doctor Studebaker’s techniques to revive Lucky’s suppressed personality -

PRESCOTT
How?

FITZ
Uh, massive psychological shocks, subliminal video and audio stimuli, the usual, but the Deceptionem’s mental reprogramming is so severe -

PRESCOTT
What is the status of the Deceptionem?

FITZ
As you ordered, sir, stored in Location X along with the rest of the tech we found on Lessmacher. Except her voice synthesizer, we still haven’t found that -

PRESCOTT
And the security codes for Location X are...?

FITZ
They’re... the same codes I gave you when you asked this morning.

PRESCOTT
Excellent job, Agent!

FITZ
Oh. Oh! Was that --

PRESCOTT
One of my famous pop quizzes, and you passed with flying colors.

FITZ
Thank you sir! Ha ha!

PRESCOTT
Ha ha! We don’t want to get disavowed, do we?

FITZ
No! I wouldn’t want to end up mind-wiped in Bend Oregon with Agent Granger and the rest of his team! Oh we’re not supposed to talk about disavowed agents either, are we?!

PRESCOTT
(sigh) We can’t pass all the tests, I suppose.

FITZ
Oh god please don’t mind-wipe me, sir, I’ll do better!

PRESCOTT
Let’s just forget I was ever here.

SOUND: A CELL PHONE BUZZES

FITZ
Sorry, sir, one second. Agent Fitzpivetz-Llyllwellyn-Montague-Gwynne speaking--

PRESCOTT (A voice on the other end of the phone)
Hello Agent, sorry, I was caught in traffic on K street -

FITZ
Chief Prescott?

PRESCOTT (Phone)
just had to pick up my tux for the gala -

FITZ
But who was - where’d he - OH NO!

PRESCOTT (On phone)
Agent?

FITZ
NOTHING’S WRONG EXCUSE ME SIR! (hangs up) Red alert! We have an intruder!

SOUND: SECURITY KLAXONS! TRANSITION THROUGH THE ALARMS TO: A door bangs open into the alley outside. “Prescott” runs to a car and jumps in. The car speeds away.

ZELDA (still Prescott)
Well, Chief Prescott...
(rip! And her own voice:)
Sounds like you’ve been keeping secrets after all.

MUSIC: THEME SONG

MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents: the back-ups. Tonight episode: The Spy Who Forgot Me.

SOUND: A BOOM AND THEN A MACHINE SHUTTING DOWN. A MONTAGE OF VOICES FROM THE PREVIOUS EPISODE.

SKIP
Section Chief?

MACKENZIE
I don't know what I want.

GLORIA
I do a lot of work at the office that I don't get recognized for.

BOWDEN
If I were some one totally different.

SOUND: VHS CASES BEING OPENED AND CLOSED REPEATEDLY.

MUSIC: PEPPY MUSIC UNDER A COMMERCIAL

ANNOUNCER (ON TV)
You loved her in The Hottie and The Nottie, and you fell in love with her all over again in House of Wax. Now, Paris Hilton...

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
Tango and Cash, copy two... rewound! Tango and Cash, copy three... rewound!

SOUND: DOOR OPENS

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
Good morning, Ken! Nice to see you!

SKIP/KEN
Ugggh. It’s way too early for all your chipperness, Clarice.

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
Early bird gets the worm!

SKIP/KEN
And the late worm doesn’t get eaten.

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
Ken! Have some pride! We work at the number one Blockbuster Video on earth!

SKIP/KEN
IT’S THE LAST BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO, CLARICE. Seriously, did you sleep here last night?

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
Who can sleep on rewind check day! Come help! Taxi Driver, rewound...

SKIP/KEN
Kill me if I ever care this much about organizing shelves.

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
Remember, Ken, ABC: Always Be Categorizing! Wait. The Abyss? What’s this doing under T? Who stocked this shelf?

SOUND: A DOOR OPENS

BOWDEN/DEREK
Let’s get this party starteeeeed!

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
Derek! I trusted you to sort these titles alphabetically!

SKIP/KEN
I told you, never trust anybody over the age of five.

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
‘The Abyss’ belongs under ‘A’!

BOWDEN/DEREK
Uhh, how do you spell ‘The’?

SKIP/KEN (sarcastic)
Ooo yes I love a good alphabet debate.

BOWDEN/DEREK
Look, why’s this here? ‘Theater of Blood’? T, H, E. Shelve it, losers.

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
All right, all right. I’ll take care of the shelves, you two start sharpie-ing over the expiration dates on the popcorn.

BOWDEN/DEREK
No can do Clarice. I’m checking out early. Like, now.

SKIP/KEN
Lemme guess, you booked a date on your shift.

BOWDEN/DEREK
No, I booked TWO dates during my shift! We’re going to the movies. Raquel will be in Theater One watching the J. Lo rom-com, while Paula will be in Three taking in a zombie flick. If I time my bathroom breaks and popcorn refills perfectly, they’ll never know about each other.

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
Classic Derek. How does he do it?

SKIP/KEN
He doesn’t. I think he steals plots of old sitcoms to make his life sound better.

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
No!

SKIP/KEN
I told you Clar: trust no one and nobody will ever disappoint you. And speaking of disappointment: here comes the boss.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS.

GLORIA/RILEY
Good morning, loyal employees!

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
Morning Riley!

BOWDEN/DEREK
Morning?! That’s why everything was different at McDonalds!

GLORIA/RILEY
I woke today in my fully stocked bunker outside of town, to discover that God had staved off the collapse of society for one more beautiful morning!

SKIP/KEN
Jesus Christ.

GLORIA/RILEY
Troops: we have an opportunity. Nay, a mission.

SKIP/KEN
This doesn’t sound good.

GLORIA/RILEY
As you know, my fellow apocalypse prepper and sworn enemy, Jasper Pynnfiddle, has recently come into a collection of unique films only ever released on Betamax. I’ve compiled a list.

SKIP/KEN
Steven Segal is a vegan hitman out for vengeance in ‘Hard to Swallow?

BOWDEN/DEREK
This is why I hate the movies.

GLORIA/RILEY
Jasper plans to ERASE this cinematic treasure trove for reuse as security tapes.

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
No! Those films are important cultural artifacts! They belong in a video store!

GLORIA/RILEY
Jasper’s keeping the tapes in his secret bunker. If only he had kept them in his summer bunker, we’d be in luck, but no dice.

BOWDEN/DEREK
Well, I’ve got two dates, lemme know how this all turns out.

GLORIA/RILEY
Derek! You’re a key part of this plan. You know how people always tell you that you look just like the actor on that show?

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
The boyfriend on Acquaintances!

BOWDEN/DEREK
Yes, I know, I have some stupid actor doppelgänger -

GLORIA/RILEY
It just so happens Jasper loves that show. So here’s the plan:

MUSIC: ACTION THEME

GLORIA/RILEY
Tonight, I’ll get Derek into the exclusive local prepper group meeting, where he’ll pose as that actor from Acquaintances. He’ll charm the pants off Jasper -

BOWDEN/DEREK
Obvi.

GLORIA/RILEY
And let him know he’s heard of Jasper’s clandestine collection. Derek will convince him to show it off -  

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
Ooh! We can give Derek one of the store radios, and listen in!

GLORIA/RILEY
Exactly, Clarice! We’ll tail Jasper to the bunker, analyze the tones as he punches in his access codes, and we’ll have him!

BOWDEN/DEREK
Then I’ll take him out to a bar -

GLORIA/RILEY
I’ll break in and swipe the tapes -

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
And we’ll smuggle then back to the store, where Ken and I will reformat everything onto VHS, before returning them! A perfect crime! I mean, not a crime. I’d never commit crimes.

GLORIA/RILEY
Everyone got it?

SKIP/KEN
Uh, yes, Riley? There’s one slight hiccup in your plan.

GLORIA/RILEY
Yes, Ken?

SKIP/KEN
I’m not doing any of that.

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
Ken! C’mon! It’s for the good of film lovers everywhere!

SKIP/KEN
This is all going to fail horribly, and Derek is gonna end up locked in that bunker while this guy gets his chainsaw. Those of us who survive will go to jail for three hundred years apiece.

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
Will you be serious for once?

SKIP/KEN
I’ll tell you what, Clar: when something actually important happens to us, I’ll get serious.

SOUND: DOOR BELL

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
Riley, there’s some strangers in suits at the door -

GLORIA/RILEY
Oh my god I forgot! Corporate is coming!

SKIP/KEN
We’re the last Blockbuster on earth. Aren’t you corporate?

GLORIA/RILEY
The trademarks and intellectual property rights of Blockbuster Video were sold last night to something called “Old Timey Tape Distribution”. I got a call this morning - they’re doing an inspection.

SKIP/KEN
Glad you took the time to lay out your heist first.

GLORIA/RILEY
Places!

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
On it, boss!

SOUND: THE DOOR OPENS

SKIP/KEN
Welcome to Blockbuster, bring the good times home, how may I help you today?

MISSION VOICE
Good morning, Mister Anderson.

SKIP/KEN
Um...OK. You corporate jerks read our files, I see.

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
Why is his voice so...familiar?

GLORIA/RILEY
Yeah...

MISSION VOICE
I get that a lot. We have a new display tape for you. Chop chop, assistant!

ZELDA
Sure thing...boss.

BOWDEN/DEREK
Ok. This is... weird...

SKIP/KEN
Why are you...pulling the shades?

ZELDA
It helps to get the full effect. Please stare directly into the center of the screen.

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
Um. Okay...

SOUND: KEN INSERTS THE TAPE INTO THE VCR. IT PLAYS WEIRD SOUNDS, SORT OF AN AUDIO STROBE EFFECT.

MISSION VOICE (ON TAPE)
Your mission, should you choose to accept it...

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
What’s happening?

ZELDA
Pay particular attention to our three dimensional strobe effect.

GLORIA (ON TAPE)
You were Raquel’s love interest on my favorite show, Acquaintances!

BOWDEN (ON TAPE)
You know my work!

MACKENZIE (ON TAPE)
When you picked me up I was Khloe Kardashian -

SKIP (RECORDED)
My favoirte is midnight taupe.

GLORIA/RILEY
Wait that’s us!

BOWDEN/DEREK
Woah.

SKIP/KEN
Derek?

BOWDEN/DEREK
WOAAAAAAAH!

SOUND: BOWDEN AND GLORIA START TO SCREAM

SKIP/KEN
They screamed right in my ear!

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
AAA! What’s wrong with them?

ZELDA
It’s working.

MISSION VOICE
If they swallow their tongues, I’m not cleaning it up.

SKIP/KEN
Jesus Christ, what’s happening Clarice? It’s like David Lynch doing a Clockwork Orange!

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
Get in the back room, now!

ZELDA
McGrath! Granger!

SOUBD: THEY RUN AND SLAM THE OFFICE DOOR BEHIND THEM.

BOWDEN
Wait, Zelda, I remember!

ZELDA
Bowden?

BOWDEN
I’m Bowden Montcrief and OH MY GOD MY CAREER IS NONEXISTENT AND I’M WORKING IN A FAILED FILM DISTRIBUTION SHOP SURROUNDED BY PICTURES OF YOUNG MARK WALHBERG!

GLORIA
But look at me, I own all of Blockbuster! I’m like H. Wayne Huzienga!

BOWDEN
STOP LOOKING AT ME MARK!

GLORIA
I’ve got you, Bo! Section Chief Anders! And... oh my god it’s you!

MISSION VOICE
Don’t get all breathless on me.

BOWDEN
What’s he doing here?

ZELDA
All agents and contractors are subliminally trained to respond pliantly to his voice.

MISSION VOICE
Watch: can I have fifty bucks?

BOWDEN
Sure let me HEY WAIT A MINUTE.

ZELDA
It seems to have brought you two back. But we’ve got work to do on--

SOUND: THE DOOR OPENS

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
Don’t move, please! I’ll shoot!

ZELDA
Clear the target!

SOUND: ZELDA PULLS A WEAPON. BRZAP!

BOWDEN
Great Scott, you tased her!

GLORIA
It’s just a prop from our Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever giveaway!

SOUND: THE DOOR OPENS AGAIN

SKIP/KEN
Catch me if you can, fascists--

SOUND: BRZAP! SKIP GOES DOWN

GLORIA
Skip!

MISSION VOICE
Two for two.

ZELDA
We’ll have to bring McGrath and Granger back to Studebaker. Help me get these two on their feet.

MISSION VOICE
Not my department.

GLORIA
I am sure with time we can --

ZELDA
That’s the problem, Gloria. There is no time.

MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME INTO AN EPIC PSYCHEDELIC JAM.

ZELDA
Studebaker! Your half-assed tape only half-worked!

STUDEBAKER
Hmm. That math sounds right to me.

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
Oh god Ken, It’s some kind of torture chamber!

SKIP/KEN
They’re playing weird dissonant noises to break our minds!

ZELDA
Relax, you two! This is just Doctor Studebaker’s lab!

STUDEBAKER
And that’s just a Phish album I can’t figure out how to turn off.

ZELDA
Studebaker! Your tape only worked on two of my agents, and they’ve been hazy since we left Oregon!

GLORIA
Uggh, no, I think I’m okay now -

BOWDEN
Time went a little Slaughterhouse Five for a bit there.

STUDEBAKER
Look, Gilgamesh, I had very little time to produce that tape, I’m a busy man.

ZELDA
Busy with what?

STUDEBAKER
I have to figure out how to turn off this Phish album, for one thing.

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
Oh...that looks like a Wilson R-80, like we have at the store. May I?

STUDEBAKER
Knock yourself out.

SKIP/KEN
Clarice! They’re deep-state operatives! Don’t help them!

GLORIA
Skip, please! Snap out of it!

SKIP/KEN
I’m not joining your crazy bunker-cult, Riley, so tell your buddy the “Section Chief” to screw off!

GLORIA
Dammit! Are we safe here? Where’s Prescott?

ZELDA
I’ll explain everything. I’ve prepared a presentation. The slide projector, Gloria.

GLORIA
Yes ma’am I mean NO GET THIS THING OUT OF HERE -

SOUND: GLORIA KNOCKS THE SLIDE PROJECTOR TO THE FLOOR

STUDEBAKER
Hey, you killed my slide projector!

GLORIA
Zelda, how could you leave us stocking shelves in Oregon!

ZELDA
I didn’t know where you were until yesterday! As far as I knew, Athena O’Brien had captured and killed all of you! And I didn’t know Prescott had the Deceptionem!

BOWDEN
What tipped you off?

ZELDA
Last week, the Secretary of Defense ordered the EMF to move Lucky Lessmacher to Supermax.

SKIP/KEN
Those are not real words.

ZELDA
But Prescott - uncharacteristically - dragged his feet. I did some... unofficial recon and found Prescott’s agents trying to revive Lucky’s suppressed memories.

GLORIA
He’s hiding her at EMF HQ?

ZELDA
No, she was on a view screen. I don’t know where Prescott’s holding her, but I’ll bet it’s the same place he’s got the Deceptionem.

GLORIA
We need a plan.

ZELDA
WE? Not “we”, Miss Kovak. I just jeopardized my career to save your asses. You’re going to stay hidden.

GLORIA
NO WE WON’T. If it weren’t for us, Prescott would have the Deceptionem and you would be none the wiser! We’re the only reason there’s any chance of stopping him and destroying that mind-bomb for good! So if you think you’re going to leave us in Doctor Studebaker’s college dorm-themed excuse for a lab while you take on Prescott, you’re... you’re... INCORRECT.

ZELDA
The only way you can help is if you have a ready-made plan to trick someone into leading us to their secret warehouse?

GLORIA
...actually... I do.

ZELDA
All right, Agent Kovac.

GLORIA
It’s Agent-in-Training.

ZELDA
We’ll see.

GLORIA
Where’s Prescott now?

ZELDA
Tonight he’ll be in Washington, DC, for the annual Global Intelligence Gala at the Ambassador Hotel.

STUDEBAKER
The Ambassador Hotel? Is that the joint where Lee Majors threw that foam party in seventy-nine?

ZELDA
I’m more than certain I don’t know.

GLORIA
Will the Secretary of Defense be there? The one who ordered Lucky transferred?

ZELDA
He will.

BOWDEN
Gloria, do you really think Riley’s bunker heist is going to port directly over to conning Prescott?

GLORIA
Why not? We just need to get the electronic credentials to get into the gala. And to fake those... we’ll need a tech wizard.

SOUND: A CLICK AND THE MUSIC TURNS OFF

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
There you go! You just had to....why are you all looking at me?

GLORIA
No reason... BOO!

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
AAH! Quit it, Riley!

STUDEBAKER
You’re gonna need more of a traumatic scare than that, Sheila.

GLORIA
How much more of a -

STUDEBAKER
BOO!

GLORIA AND MACKENZIE/CLARICE
AAAH!

GLORIA
Doctor!

STUDEBAKER
I was just trying-

BOWDEN
BOO!

STUDEBAKER AND MACKENZIE/CLARICE
AAAH!

SKIP/KEN
AAA! WILL YOU WEIRDOS KNOCK IT OFF!

GLORIA
Fine! New plan.

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
Hey, Riley! Ow!

SKIP/KEN
What are you freaks doing with her?

GLORIA
Sorry. Miss McGrath. We need you. And that means delivering a massive psychological shock. And desperate times call for desperate measures.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

SOUND: DOORS CLANGING SHUT

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
Let me out! I’ll be good, I swear!

GLORIA (THROUGH THE DOOR)
You can come out anytime, Ms. McGrath. Just punch in your access code. Or build an electronic skeleton key from your bed frame and a transistor radio!

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
I don’t know how to do that!

ZELDA (THROUGH THE DOOR)
Oh, you do. And someone in there with you knows you do.

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
Oh no. Okay, keep it together. Someone down here knows me? Did they kidnap my friends and family? Well, I don’t have any friends or family, so... Is that weird? Shouldn’t I... no! They’re trying to confuse you. You’re Clarice, you’re Clarice, you’re--

SOUND: A PANEL SLIDES OPEN

KRISTATOS
Hello, Clarice.

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
AHHH! Who are you?

KRISTATOS
My name is Kristatos O’Brien, and your name... is Mackenzie McGrath.

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
No! Stop saying that!

KRISTATOS
We are old prison mates, you and I...I know things about you that even the EMF does not.

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
You don’t eat people, do you? I’m very gamey.

KRISTATOS
In my youth, I enjoyed a torrid affair with a stoic young Turkish woman.

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
OK, wait, maybe a quick death would be better than this story.

KRISTATOS
Years later, I learned that local government forces had murdered her...

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
Oh. Gee. That’s... too bad--

KRISTATOS
... but not before she bore a child.

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
Wait, is this that Athena person they were talking about?

KRISTATOS
Oh no, Athena’s mother was murdered by American agents

MACKENZIE
You attract a lot of darkness. So... who was this other kid of yours, then?

KRISTATOS
That child was smuggled to the west, where she was raised in various foster homes.

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
Wait...

KRISTATOS
She became a devious computer hacker with a Robin Hood obsession, attacking only the powerful.

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
No no no that’s not possible I wasn’t - WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME?

KRISTATOS
YOU ARE MACKENZIE MCGRATH, MY LONG-LOST DAUGHTER, ATHENA O’BRIEN’S HALF-SISTER AND HEIR TO MY CRIMINAL EMPIRE!

MACKENZIE/CLARICE
WHHH...OH MY GOD I REMEMBER!

KRISTATOS
Welcome back to the EMF, Mackenzie.

MACKENZIE
Holy shit Kristatos are you...are you...my real dad?

KRISTATOS
What? HAHAHAHAHAHA no, you stupid child! They said if I shocked you out of your amnesia they would give me back my squash court privileges.

MACKENZIE
Oh.

KRISTATOS
HAHAHAHA YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS TRUE?

MACKENZIE
OK, haha, so, are Gloria and the others coming back to get me -

KRISTATOS
How could I possibly be your father...when your true father is that serpent, H.R.R. Fletcher, the Admiral!

MACKENZIE
WHAT?!? The ADMIRAL is my -

KRISTATOS
OH MY GOD I GOT YOU AGAIN! HAHAHAHA how could you fall for it TWICE?

MACKENZIE
You know what, I remember my code now, so I’m just gonna go.

KRISTATOS
Ok good luck...moron! HAHAHAHAHA

MUSIC: TRANSITION

SOUND: EVERYONE IS PACKED TIGHTLY AND UNCOMFORTABLY INTO A SMALL CAR.

ZELDA
Next time, we rent a bigger car.

BOWDEN
I’m sorry, the biggest size they had available was “precious”.

SKIP/KEN
You can just drop me off at the White House. I promise I’ll only throw a few eggs.

MACKENZIE
Studebaker stop rolling down the windows someone’s gonna fall out!

GLORIA
Quiet, everyone! Zelda, park there!

ZELDA
Bowden, get off the gearshift!

GLORIA
Great! Welcome to DC, everyone. Bo and I will get in position.

MACKENZIE
Here are your IDs, fresh of the 3-D printer.

GLORIA
Keep on comms. Good luck, team!

SKIP/KEN
Do you really expect me to believe you idiots are spies?

MACKENZIE
You used to be the head idiot, “Ken”.

SKIP/KEN
And what was your job, Clarice, fun assassin? What are you writing, you non-name-remembering whackjob?

STUDEBAKER
Taking notes. Trying to figure out who in your past life you took your “authority defying” persona from.

ZELDA
I wonder.

MACKENZIE
Hey, I was funnier than him.

SKIP/KEN
What was your codename, Clarice, ”The Alphabetizer”?

MACKENZIE
You know, I really miss Skip Granger right now.

SOUND: TRANSITION MUSIC INTO THE GALA

CHECK-IN GIRL
Welcome to the 25th Annual Classic Video Game Convention! Are you pre-registered?

PRESCOTT
Yes, the last name is ‘Mann’. First name, ‘Pac’.

CHECK-IN GIRL
Very good. And your electronic credentials, please?

PRESCOTT
Right here.

SOUND: A BEEP AS SHE SCANS HIS BADGE

CHECK-IN GIRL
Very good, Mister Mann! Badge, lanyard, and ooh! Don’t forget your swag bag!

PRESCOTT
Great, thank you.

CHECK-IN GIRL
Also...your princess is in another castle.

PRESCOTT
... what did you say?

CHECK-IN GIRL
Your princess is in another castle. But the warp zone won’t take you there.

PRESCOTT
I... see. Thank you.

SOUND: PRESCOTT WANDERS OFF. THE CHECK-IN GIRL CLEARS HER THROAT...IT'S GLORIA

GLORIA/CHECK-IN GIRL
Come in, Mama Bear. This is Baby Bear. I’m in position, and I’ve planted the porridge on Goldilocks.

SKIP/KEN (ON COMMS)
And did Boo Boo eat his honey-wunny?

MACKENZIE (ON COMMS)
KEN I SWEAR TO GOD.

SKIP/KEN (ON COMMS)
Are you people spies or Bob the Builder characters?

STUDEBAKER (ON COMMS)
Good one, Sonny Bono! Oof!

GLORIA
What’s happening?

SKIP/KEN (ON COMMS)
Nuthin. Clarice just threw that idiot psychiatrist out of the car.

MACKENZIE (ON COMMS)
It’s not like we were moving.

GLORIA
Guys, shush! We can’t have two wisecracking agents on one mission!

MACKENZIE/SKIP (ON COMMS)
S/he started it.

GLORIA
Activate the bug and tracker!

MACKENZIE (ON COMMS)
Bug and tracker, activated.

TRANSITION NOISE: PRESCOTT GOES INTO A REST ROOM AND OPENS HIS SWAG BAG. CLICK.

PRESCOTT
Son of a gun. Right at the bottom of the swag bag. What could it--

MISSION VOICE (ON TAPE)
Good evening, Section Chief Prescott.

PRESCOTT
This had better be good.

MISSION VOICE (ON TAPE)
We have verified reports that Athena O’Brien plans to kidnap Secretary of Defense Whitmire at this evening’s Global Intelligence Gala. Your mission, should you choose to accept --

PRESCOTT
OK, I admit. That’s good.

TRANSITION SOUND BACK TO ZELDA/MACKENZIE

MACKENZIE
He took the bait.

ZELDA
Hook line and sinker. Bowden’s up.

TRANSITION SOUND BACK TO GALA

WHITMIRE
... and she says, “shooter? I hardly” --

PRESCOTT
Excuse me, Link?

WHITMIRE
Oh, hello, Pac! How is the Ms.?

PRESCOTT
May we have a word in private?

WHITMIRE
Certainly! Excuse me, ladies!

PRESCOTT
Come right over here, sir, I think you’ll love what they’ve done with the coat closet.

SOUND: A DOOR CLOSES

WHITMIRE
Thanks for getting me out of there, Prescott. We need a better cover for next year’s gala, I HATE this costume. How are you supposed to get your bangs to stick out like that?

PRESCOTT
Sir, I’ve just received distressing intel that Athena O’Brien might attempt to abduct you during this evening’s gala.

WHITMIRE
Really? I wouldn’t think she’d have it in her after the Skokie debacle. I think you know what of I speak.

PRESCOTT
I need to get you to a secure location.

WHITMIRE
Why don’t we hole up wherever it is you’ve stashed the Deceptionem-ionem-em-em?

PRESCOTT
Where I’ve... stashed what, sir?

WHITMIRE
We’ve got eyes everywhere, JJ. Lemme guess, you were hoping you’d do me a good turn, and I’d forget about Lucky Lessmacher?

PRESCOTT
I...

WHITMIRE
Relax, son. You saw an opportunity, and took it. Consider Lessmacher’s transfer order cancelled. Is the Deceptionem-em nearby? Nem-em-em...

PRESCOTT
Near enough.

WHITMIRE
Then why don’t we kill two birds with one stone and we’ll hide in your secret warehouse, and we can discuss...career opportunities.

SOUND: QUICK LOCATION SHIFT

GLORIA
Bo is killing it! He just left with Prescott!

ZELDA (AUDIO TAP)
We’ll have the Deceptionem in no--

WHITMIRE
Good evening, ma’am!

GLORIA/CHECK-IN GIRL
Hello sir! Uhhh...checking out?

WHITMIRE
Of course not, checking in!

GLORIA/CHECK-IN GIRL
Uhh... didn’t I see you with... Mister Mann?

BOWDEN
Gloria it’s me!

GLORIA
Bo? What? Weren’t you just with Prescott?

BOWDEN
I’ve been waiting on the check-in line, I don’t see Whitmire anywhere! I have been accosted by Samus, Pitfall Harry, and a very creative couple dressed as ‘Pong’.

GLORIA
But... was that the real Whitmire talking to Prescott?

ZELDA (AUDIO TAP)
Negative, Secretary Whitmire never left home. There are only three babysitters in the Washington DC area with the requisite security clearance to enter Whitmire’s home, and they all have their price.

GLORIA
Then... there was another fake Secretary of Defense at the gala, and he just left with Prescott!

WHOOSH! TRANSITION NOISE TO THE CAR.

MACKENZIE
Wait, Gloria, you saw them go? The tracker says they haven’t left the building.

ZELDA
Prescott must have ditched it.

MACKENZIE
No, it’s still moving... hang on, the bug might still give us audio if I boost the signal...

SOUND: HORRIBLY MUDDLED AUDIO

GLORIA (ON COMMS)
What are they saying, I can’t--

ZELDA
The acoustics are terrible.

MACKENZIE
It’s like they’re in--

GLORIA (ON COMMS)
A BUNKER!

MACKENZIE
What?

GLORIA (ON COMMS)
It sounds just like the bunker I owned when I was Riley!

STUDEBAKER
BUNKER! THAT’S IT! The secret subterranean bunkers under the Ambassador Hotel were where we first built the Deceptionem!

GLORIA AND MACKENZIE
THE WHAT UNDER WHERE IS WHERE WHAT?

SKIP/KEN
Who hired this guy?

STUDEBAKER
That’s why I know that hotel! I worked under it for twenty-five years. Huh. It’s funny, my memory’s usually pretty good.

GLORIA (ON COMMS)
So wait. Prescott, Lessmacher, and the Deceptionem are underneath the Ambassador Hotel--

ZELDA
Near EVERY TOP INTELLIGENCE OPERATIVE IN THE WORLD--

BOWDEN (ON COMMS)
And the ENTIRE US GOVERNMENT -

MACKENZIE
Along with some unknown wild card fake Secretary of Defense!

SKIP/KEN
Wow. It’s like watching five drunken Sherlock Holmeses. Nice work, deep staters!

GLORIA (ON COMMS)
Okay, Zelda, get on the horn and warn the Pentagon! Everyone else - to the underground bunker!

MUSIC: TRANSITION

PRESCOTT
You can see we keep the device behind ionized glass, and of course the warehouse EM shielding is a double-security measure.

WHITMIRE
And look who we have here! Lucky Lessmacher.

LUCKY
I’m Athena--

WHITMIRE
Yes, yes. Prescott, this is quite a toy you’ve got here. What games do you expect to play with it?

PRESCOTT
Well, sir, now that we’ve harnessed its power as a lie-detector as well as a memory-eraser, we can use it for interrogations, deep cover operations, disavowals across the spectrum, the sky’s the--

SOUND: A TASER. PRESCOTT SCREAMS AND FALLS TO THE GROUND.

WHITMIRE
Limit, Prescott? Yes, a man’s got to know his.

LUCKY
Well! Didn’t see that coming.

WHITMIRE
When he wakes up he’ll realize what a terrible day he’s had...

SOUND: WHITMIRE RIPS OFF HIS FACE AND VOICE SYNTHESIZER!

LUCKY
WOAH!

BALTHAZAR
... unlike ME!

LUCKY
Whoa! You’re that awful Lord Nero actor!

BALTHAZAR
Bah! Was I awful when I acted my way into this secure compound as the Secretary of Defense?

LUCKY/ATHENA
Yeah, your brother could’ve done it without the voice synth.

BALTHAZAR
Don’t speak of my brother! I’ve proven myself a better actor AND operative than that dolt! Behold my espionage prowess as I deliver this immersive audio message!

SOUND: A ROBOTIC DEVICE UNFOLDS

ATHENA (HOLOGRAM)
Lucky, you did great! You let Prescott park the Deceptionem right in downtown Washington, just like I predicted. And now that it’s right where I want it, time to WAKE UP!

SOUND: SOMETHING TERRIFYING ERUPTS AROUND THEM

LUCKY
AAAH! My head! My ears! My third grade teacher! I remember her! Wait! I’m Lucky Lessmacher! I’m really hungry!

ATHENA (HOLOGRAM)
Now that you remember everything, initiate the final phase of Plan B.

LUCKY
Sure thing, boss!

SOUND: THE HOLOGRAM SHUTS OFF

BALTHAZAR
My first successful counter-op! I’m a natural! What are you doing?

SOUND: LUCKY TYPES AT A KEYBOARD AND THE DECEPTIONEM COMES TO LIFE

LUCKY
Starting up the Deceptionem, just like the boss wanted...modulating the something something, there! Five minutes till it goes off.

BALTHAZAR
Wiping clean the minds of everyone in this tacky city!

LUCKY
Is Washington DC tacky?

BALTHAZAR
You should see the Smithsonian.

SOUND: THE DOOR OPENS

GLORIA
Freeze, Balthazar!

SKIP/KEN
Holy crap it’s that guy from that terrible Lord Nero movie!

MACKENZIE
Just call him “that sonovabitch”.

STUDEBAKER
And you people say I can’t keep names straight.

BALTHAZAR
Oh look, the peon squad has arrived! And you’ve brought the real Mister Whitmire, I see!

BOWDEN
No brother -
(tears off his mask)

BALTHAZAR
Bowden!

BOWDEN
I’ve been waiting for this epic showdown for my entire life, Balthazar.

BALTHAZAR
Very well, baby brother. Allow me to demonstrate some of my years of stage combat training -

LUCKY
Here you go, have him!

BALTHAZAR
What?

SOUND: LUCKY SHOVES BALTHAZAR INTO THE OTHERS. THEY FALL INTO A PILE.

LUCKY
Byeeeee!

STUDEBAKER
Hey! Little Lulu’s escaping!

BALTHAZAR
Get off of me! The Oscar committee will hear of this -

SOUND: WHACK.

SKIP/KEN
Whoa, Derek! You knocked him unconscious with an Academy award!

BOWDEN
Serves him right for carrying it around.

MACKENZIE
You’re totally keeping that, aren’t you?

BOWDEN
I sure am!

STUDEBAKER
Uhhh Princess Buttercup?

MACKENZIE
Call me that again and I’ll snap your fingers off, man.

STUDEBAKER
The Deceptionem appears to be having a midlife crisis.

SOUND: MACKENZIE STARTS TYPING ON THE INTERFACE

MACKENZIE
She unlocked some code deep in the system. It’s gonna go off and I can’t stop it!

GLORIA
But that’s OK, isn’t it? This is a Class-X science bunker, it has electromagnetic shielding.

STUDEBAKER
Unfortunately, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, this readout says the Deceptionem’s harmonics have been shifted! Instead of blocking the signal, the EM shield will amplify it!

GLORIA
This was Athena’s plan the whole time! She’ll wipe out the minds of the entire American government, plus half of the foreign intelligence community!

SKIP/KEN
Uhhh Clarice I thought you were some kind of computer genius, can’t you, you know, hack it?

MACKENZIE
Short answer, Ken: no.

BOWDEN
What about Studebaker?

SKIP/KEN
This chump? You’re lucky if he remembers how to tie his shoes!

STUDEBAKER
Hey, the bunny goes through the hole--

GLORIA
OK, we shut down the shield.

MACKENZIE
Then the mind-bomb goes off and everyone gets wiped.

GLORIA
And if we leave it up -

MACKENZIE
Everybody gets wiped.

SKIP/KEN
Any other ideas?

STUDEBAKER
...around the tree...

MACKENZIE
We might be screwed, guys.

SKIP/KEN
You could switch formats.

MACKENZIE
What?

SKIP/KEN
It’s like those Betamax tapes, they don’t play on a VHS. If you switch the format of this mind-bomb, the force-field won’t play it.

MACKENZIE
IT’S NOT A GODDAMN BLU-RAY, KEN!

BOWDEN
90 seconds, McGrath...

SKIP/KEN
Look, formats are formats! If the two devices are formatted differently, they can’t talk to each other, right?

MACKENZIE
Oh for god’s sake it’s worth a try.

STUDEBAKER
Still got a problem, Chucky.

MACKENZIE
Of course we do.

STUDEBAKER
You can only format the Deceptionem from its master control panel, inside that glass room.

MACKENZIE
Can you do it?

STUDEBAKER
Hm, how did we used to do that...?

MACKENZIE
Of course you forgot. Fine, it’s just COBOL, I’ll take care of it -

STUDEBAKER
But whoever volunteers for this gig has a ninety-eight percent chance of getting mind-wiped. Anyway, into the cave, around the tree...

MACKENZIE
OK, I’ll -

SKIP/KEN
I’ll do it.

MACKENZIE
What? Why? How?

SKIP/KEN
You gimme the code, I’ll type it in.

GLORIA
Ken, you realize if you -

SKIP/KEN
Yeah, I’m not stupid, Riley, I heard what Doctor Demento said.

BOWDEN
But then -

SKIP/KEN
I told you. I’d be there for you when things got serious.

MACKENZIE
No... you said you’d get serious when things got important.

SKIP/KEN
And... now you know what’s important to me. You idiots.

MACKENZIE
Ken, no matter your name, you’re really something, you know that? Okay, I put the code on my phone, just type this into the console.

SKIP/KEN
Got it.

MACKENZIE
See you on the other side, Ken.

SKIP/KEN
Hey, Doctor Whatsizname gave me a two percent chance.

SOUND: KEN ENTERS THE GLASS ROOM AND CLOSES IT BEHIND HIM.

MACKENZIE
Would I have done that?

BOWDEN
Believe it or not, McGrath: yes.

STUDEBAKER
...aaaand done! Wait now they’re tied together. What’s he doing?

GLORIA
Saving the world.

STUDEBAKER
He’s gonna get mind wiped!

MACKENZIE
You know what, it’ll wipe Ken, and we can get Skip back.

STUDEBAKER
Well, that’s dumb. Zippy’s already been mind wiped once. Wipe him again, his original personality could be erased forever!

MACKENZIE
GODDAMIT WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL US THAT?

STUDEBAKER
I was tying my shoes!

BOWDEN
Skip!

STUDEBAKER
Hey buddy - aah! My laces!

SOUND: STUDEBAKER TRIPS. MACKENZIE POUNDS ON THE GLASS

MACKENZIE
Skip! Dammit the door’s locked!

SOUND: TRANSITION NOISE to BEHIND THE GLASS. MACKENZIE STILL POUNDING ON THE GLASS AND YELLING.

SKIP/KEN
Aaaand there you go. You’re a the world’s biggest Betamax. Well. It was nice being me. Oh, who am I kidding it sucked. Oh shit! Ha! I just thought of a great last zinger for Clarice -

SOUND: BWWWARRRRM. THUD. THE GLASS SHATTERS

MACKENZIE
Skip!

STUDEBAKER
My Deceptionem! Destroyed, just like my poor slide projector!

GLORIA/BOWDEN
Oh god Skip!/Is he...?

MACKENZIE
Skip. Hey buddy look at me.

SKIP
Uggggh.

MACKENZIE
You’re Skip Granger. You’re a stubborn, order-loving, stick-up-the-ass, brave-to-the-edge-of-stupid hero. And I’m your best friend and if you don’t wake up and remember who I am I’m gonna--

SKIP
McGrath?

MACKENZIE
(Laughs shakily) Oh god! Welcome back, Agent Granger.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

SOUND: THE BEEPS OF THE BRIEFING ROOM COMPUTERS

GLORIA
So you got your Oscar after all.

BOWDEN
It’s smaller than I thought it would be. Is it terrible that I don’t care my own brother is going to supermax prison?

GLORIA
No. He earned that on his own. You know, I said some things to you...a week ago? Or a year ago?

BOWDEN
Time’s been an interesting philosophical construct lately.

GLORIA
But...we didn’t get a chance to...

BOWDEN
Talk?

GLORIA
...about... the things I said about you.

BOWDEN
You didn’t say anything, that damn machine did.

GLORIA
The things I thought about you.

BOWDEN
Can I tell you my secret? When they cast me on Acquaintances and didn’t give my character a name, inside, I still knew his name.

GLORIA
Good old Derek.

BOWDEN
My job is to understand people all the way down on the inside. And the secret is: everybody has thoughts they wish they didn’t.

GLORIA
Ok.

BOWDEN
That machine didn’t tell me anything about you I didn’t know already. You still stuck by me, whoever I was.

GLORIA
Back in Skokie, I just wanted to tell you: Don’t ever wonder if you could be a better version of someone else. Just be a good version of you.

BOWDEN
I’ll remember that.

GLORIA
Why does this feel... weird?

BOWDEN
Like... starting over, somehow.

GLORIA
Yeah. Would you like to go on a date with me this weekend, Mister Montcrief?

BOWDEN
I’d love to, Miss Kovak.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS, EVERYONE ELSE ENTERS

GLORIA
Oh, hi, everyone - (gasps)

BOWDEN
Prescott. I should box your ears, you little -

ZELDA
Easy, Bowden.

MACKENZIE
He’d break both your arms with your own big toes. So chill.

SKIP
It’s okay, Bowden. Zelda and McGrath have worked things out, with the... former Section Chief.

GLORIA
What? Worked things out with this sneaky... untrustworthy... turdburger! YEAH I SAID IT.

BOWDEN
You can’t make a deal with a used viper salesman.

PRESCOTT
Not with that attitude.

ZELDA
Enough! Prescott. You disavowed a team of successful agents in order to gain personal control over an instrument of mass destruction which almost allowed Athena O’Brien to incapacitate our government and the world’s intelligence services.

MACKENZIE
And I’ve got all the evidence, recorded off of your own swag bag, stored in a secret server.

GLORIA
Which we could dump onto the Secretary’s desk at any moment.

PRESCOTT
What do you want?

ZELDA
McGrath’s record expunged.

MACKENZIE
What? We didn’t talk about--

PRESCOTT
Done.

MACKENZIE
Oh my God.

GLORIA AND BOWDEN
Oh Mackenzie!/McGrath, congratulations!

ZELDA
There’s more. I want my agents reinstated.

PRESCOTT
Fine.

ZELDA
And I want you out of my department. Go back to the FBI, the DOD, go to KFC for all I care.

PRESCOTT
Now that’s ironic. The Secretary says I have a knack for playing well with others. He has actually just offered me a lateral move to Special Interdepartmental Liaison.

MACKENZIE
So instead of being all up in our business, you’ll be up in everybody’s?

PRESCOTT
I’ll miss your way with words, Ms. McGrath.

ZELDA
And you would have no further authority over my agents.

GLORIA
Sounds perfect.

PRESCOTT
Sure does! Well, folks, it’s been real! Skip? No hard feelings about the whole mind-wiping, right?

MACKENZIE
Watch your back, J.J.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS, PRESCOTT GOES

MACKENZIE
I need a shower.

GLORIA
You need to CELEBRATE!

BOWDEN
YES! McGrath, you’re free!

MACKENZIE
Yeah...holy crap am I?

ZELDA
It’s not a quick process, levers must be moved, but, yes. You’re free.

MACKENZIE
Skip, we... you did it. You said you were gonna get me out of jail, and it took a super-long, weird, and disaster-strewn road, but you got us there. Thank you.

SKIP
McGrath...I am so happy for you. You can go do anything you want.

MACKENZIE
Well... heh heh. Don’t try to get rid of me that quickly!

BOWDEN
The sky’s the limit, McGrath!

GLORIA
Let’s party girlfriend!

ZELDA
First round’s on the agency.

SKIP
You all go, I’ll be along shortly.

MACKENZIE
You OK, Skip?

SKIP
It’s just...I’ve been away for a bit, and I think I’d just like to make sure all my folders are in perfect order.

MACKENZIE
Of course you do, Skip. I can’t tell you how happy I am there’s only one of me again.

SKIP
There’s never been another you, McGrath.

MACKENZIE
Thanks, buddy. We won’t start the party without you. Let’s do it!

BOWDEN
Huzzah!

SOUND: EVERYONE LEAVES, CHEERING. A PAUSE. SKIP FUMBLES AROUND HIS DESK. HE PLAYS HIS VOICEMAIL MESSAGE.

SKIP (ON MACHINE)
This is Special Agent Skip Granger, EMF! I will assume your call is an emergency, and will respond promptly and enthusiastically -

SOUND: PUNCH. SKIP SMASHES THE MACHINE. PUNCH. PUNCH. PUNCH.

SKIP
(He lets out a shaky breath.)

MUSIC: END THEME

MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John P. Dowgin. This episode was written by John Dowgin and Pete Barry and directed by Pete Barry.

It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath, Dave Stanger ans Bowden Montcrief, Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders, with Kirk White as Chet Phillips and Kevin McGrath as The Mission Voice.

Also starring Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien, Jill Ivey as Computer Voice and Techie, and Bob Killion as Fitz and The Admiral.

Guest starring Rebecca Serfass as Lucky, Dave Serfass as J.J. Prescott, Pete Barry as Kristatos O'Brien, John Dowgin as Dr. Biff Studebaker, Eric Werner as Balthazar Montcrief, and Eric Perry as Whitmire.

Editing by Pete Barry and John Dowgin.

As we start the second half of our season we want to thank all of our Patreon members who make this show possible: Tim Pivetz, Anne Coleman, John Pivetz, Bill McCabe, Marnie Warner, T.H. Wyman, Jennifer Cannon, Eric Werner, Shosuro Ajo, Karol DeAngelis, Caroline LaRochelle, Tim McMackon, Michael Armes, Christina Brandt, Phantom Flynn, Anthony Sigman-Lowery, Eric Kalkbrenner, Sara Newell, Allison Bourgeois, Stan Sitzman, and Charles E. Klaniecki. You can become a Patreon supporter for as little as one dollar per month at www.patreon.com/missionrejected

This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2020 Extraordinary Missions Limited.

SOUND: TUNING INTO A RADIO CHANNEL, AS IF BEING MONITORED

ZELDA (AUDIO TAP)
...what I don’t understand is, how did Athena O’Brien know we were going to replace Whitmire? It was too much of a coincidence -

TECHIE (AUDIO TAP)
Chief, Is your bluetooth malfunctioning?

ZELDA (AUDIO TAP)
What?

TECHIE (AUDIO TAP)
There’s a weird spike on the readout - is it your phone?

ZELDA (AUDIO TAP)
My phone is sanitized!

TECHIE (AUDIO TAP)
I know but - what’s this little guy?

ZELDA (AUDIO TAP)
What - smash the phone! She was listening the whole time!

TECHIE (AUDIO TAP)
Who?

ZELDA (AUDIO TAP)
Athena O -

SOUND: STATIC. A FEW BUTTON TAPS.

ATHENA
Goddammit. Fricking EMF. Fricking Skip Granger! Huuuuhhhhhh. Now what? I guess I gotta feed the animals or hell, maybe it's time to put them down.

SOUND: SHE OPENS A DOOR. CHET AND THE ADMIRAL HANG OVER SPINNING BLADES.

ATHENA
Dinner, boys!

CHET
Hello, Athena.

ADMIRAL
Hello, Athena!

ATHENA
I'm in a really rancid mood right now, fellas, so while I am super impressed that you’ve managed to dangle over that spinning blade trap for a month...

CHET
It’d be easier if the Admiral would get off my back.

ADMIRAL
My weak arches!

CHET
I’ve tried dropping him but he’s surprisingly squirmy.

ADMIRAL
Come, Mister Doe, do you believe the intention of the universe is for me to fall into a pit of blades? To transform from this mortal chrysalis, leaving nothing behind but an iridescent goo and my indestructible platinum hat?

CHET
I told you... STOP. CALLING. ME. MISTER. DOE! AND GIVE ME THAT HAT!

SOUND: CHET THROWS THE ADMIRAL’S HAT INTO THE BLADES

ADMIRAL
NOT MY INDESTRUCTIBLE PLATINUM HAT!

ATHENA
AW CRAP!

SOUND: THE BLADES EXPLODE OUT OF THEIR MOORINGS!

ADMIRAL
AAAH THE BLADES! LOOK OUT!

CHET
Keep your head down, idiot!

COMPUTER VOICE
Intruders detected.

ATHENA
Damn it!

SOUND: THUNK THUNK! THE BLADES FLY INTO THE WALLS. CHET, THE ADMIRAL AND ATHENA FIGHT, TRADING BLOWS UNTIL ATHENA IS WIPED OUT.

CHET
Athena O’Brien. You know how long I’ve been waiting for this moment?

ATHENA
Please don’t monologue me to death, just freaking arrest me, already.

CHET
Arrest you? Oh, I have something... special...in mind for you, my dear.

ATHENA
Oh yeah, Chetty?

CHET
Oh yeah. One thought has burned in my mind for months, Athena, while I hunted you like the fox you are from one end of the globe to the other - what I was going to do when I finally caught you.

SOUND: CHET OPENS A BOX

CHET
...will you marry me?

ATHENA
Whaaaaaaaat?

MUSIC: STINGER

ADMIRAL
Well. Didn’t see THAT coming!