Mission Rejected

206: Blunderball

Episode Summary

A dangerous "mind bomb" is set to detonate outside of Chicago...and Special Agent Chet Phillips is unavailable.

Episode Notes

A dangerous "mind bomb" is set to detonate outside of Chicago...and Special Agent Chet Phillips is unavailable.

Written and Directed by
Pete Barry

Starring
Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger
Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath
Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief
Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak
Faith Dowign as Section Chief Zelda Anders
with Kirk White as Chet Phillips
and Kevin McGrath as The Mission Voice

Also Starring
Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien
Jean Barry as Quinn Corrino
Jill Ivey as Lex Hammond
and Bob Killion as Archie Grant, Fitz, and The Admiral

Guest Starring
Rebecca Serfass as Lucky
Dave Serfass as J.J. Prescott

Music, sound editing, and mixing by
Pete Barry

Created and produced by
Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, and John Dowgin

A complete transcript of this episode can be found here.

Sound effect attributions below. All other sound effects by Pete Barry.

Episode Transcription

EXT. THE BEACH - DAWN

SFX: A boat sloughs onto the beach. Five pairs of boots carry it silently to shelter. Quietly: a voice drones on, as if through earbuds.

MISSION VOICE (ON HEADPHONES)
...since your investigation at the Hoover Dam revealed Athena O’Brien’s current location at an abandoned Oceanology base, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to infiltrate her headquarters and bring O’Brien to justice before she executes her attack. State your acceptance or rejection and return the drone to sender. Good luck, Agent Phillips.

SFX: Click, then the click of a record button.

CHET
Accepted.

SFX: He turns the drone loose, and it flies off.

QUINN
There. That brush’ll keep the boat covered.

ARCHIE
Athena really upgraded from her last secret island.

LEX
Uhhh 1967 texted, and they, like, want their secret island volcano lair back?

CHET
I’ll give her this: Athena O’Brien has style.

ADMIRAL
You mean I have style! This was MY island fortress.

EVERYONE ELSE
SSHHHHHH

QUINN
(cocking her gun)
Admiral, you’re gonna keep your big mouth shut.

ADMIRAL
My mistake. Carry on!

ARCHIE
Are we sticking to the original plan, here, Chet?

CHET
I think we can make it work. Quinn, you’re gonna get Lex to the terminal at the watchtower on the volcano’s lip.

QUINN
No problem, boss.

CHET
Lex, you’re gonna hack the security algorithm and tweak it to recognize our faces as friendlies.

LEX
You know you’re like the cutest old person when you try to techspeak? You’re like my actual grandma.

CHET
Lex’ll set off environmental alarms at the weapons depot, and Archie, you’ll be there to fan the flames of panic.

ARCHIE
A little “oh god, we’re all gonna die” goes a long way.

QUINN
How about you?

CHET
Me?

SFX: Chet grabs the Admiral tight, who chuckles.

CHET
Me and my buddy here will take the back door. Since he’s so proud of his old island fortress, he can lead me to the command center and point out all the booby traps. Isn’t that right, Admiral?

ADMIRAL
I will be your booby, Mister Doe!

EVERYONE
Shhh!

QUINN
Please let me shoot him.

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC

MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents: the back-ups. Tonight’s episode: Blunderball.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

SFX: The beeps of the briefing room computer banks. A knock on the door.

MACKENZIE (yawning)
Skip!

SKIP
McGrath! Come in! He opens the door. She yawns in his face.

MACKENZIE
It’s three in the morning Skip. Why...wait are you still in your pajamas?

SKIP
You’re in your pajamas.

MACKENZIE
I live here. Hey! You didn’t ask for a password!

SKIP
Oh my goodness, you’re right, I’m sorry, I’m just so wound up. Why don’t you go back out and I’ll -

MACKENZIE
Nope nope nope. What’s going on? She comes in and sits down.

SKIP
Do you remember how, last year, Anders said the EMF would “arrange” a full pardon for you with the justice department if you helped to bring back Chet Phillips?

MACKENZIE
I remember that by the time we got him back here, Prescott was in charge and that little dream flew back to heaven.

SKIP
I’m going to ask Prescott to reconsider your pardon agreement if we succeed in the next mission.

MACKENZIE
Great. Wake me up in the morning and lemme know how that goes.

SKIP
McGrath, Prescott just handed us the biggest mission of our careers!

MACKENZIE
Oh yeah, that’s a high bar. So far he sent us to a movie set, a Ren Faire, a pig auction, where are we going this time?

SKIP
Skokie, Illinois.

MACKENZIE
Yup, checks out.

SKIP
No, no, no. Read this.

MACKENZIE
Okay...blah blah blah...oh great it’s that thing again - whoa.

SKIP
Whoa is right.

MACKENZIE
Wait. How many people live in Skokie, Illinois?

SKIP
About sixty five thousand.

MACKENZIE
Sixty five -

SKIP
But it borders Chicago.

MACKENZIE
So this thing could affect -

SKIP
Three million people.

MACKENZIE
Holy mother f-

SFX: THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN.

GLORIA
Agent Granger!

BOWDEN
We came as soon as we got your call.

SKIP
Gloria! Bowden! Thank you for coming!

MACKENZIE
You guys are gonna want to sit down. Gloria, are you still in pajamas?

GLORIA
Agent Granger suggested there wasn’t time to get dressed.

MACKENZIE
Bowden’s dressed.

BOWDEN
Uh, no, actually, I understand the mistake, but if you look closely, these are Armani pajamas. They’re specifically tailored for the man who has to look like he’s attending the Oscars while in bed.

GLORIA
Doesn’t he look gr -

BOWDEN
I mean what does it matter that nobody’s watching you, or recognizes your talent in any way, that’s no excuse not to look your best, right?

MACKENZIE
Um.

GLORIA
Wait, does this have anything to do with why when we got Skip’s call, you answered the phone as “Bowden Montcrief of Deadline’s 50 Up-and-Comers of Twenty-Aught-Nine”?

MACKENZIE
Guys, sit down, grab some coffee and get a load of this file.

SFX: THE DOOR AGAIN.

ZELDA
Skip? What’s going on - what is this, a slumber party?

SKIP
Section Chief! Thank you for coming!

ZELDA
I was in bed, Skip, and apparently so was the rest of your team. This had better be good -

SKIP
Gloria, the slide projector!

GLORIA
Yes, Agent.

SKIP
I’m sorry, Assistant Section Chief but...I wanted you to be here.

ZELDA
Is this some sort of punishment? I mean, over-and-above what my life has already become?

SKIP
Chief Anders, you have been a mentor and one of my most important allies and...this is our biggest challenge yet, and I thought it fitting that you be here.

ZELDA
...all right. Gloria, the slide projector.

GLORIA
Here we go!

SFX: CLICK.

SKIP
Recognize this machine?

BOWDEN
It’s the Deceptionem, isn’t it? What did you used to call it, McGrath?

MACKENZIE
The mind-bomb.

GLORIA
It emits an electromagnetic signal that disrupts brain waves.

SKIP
Exactly, Gloria. The prototype was able to wipe minds and left its victims with total amnesia. Those affected latched onto new identities indiscriminately, their old lives erased.

BOWDEN
But I thought it never made it past the prototype stage.

SKIP
It hadn’t. The original device was spherical, about a meter in diameter, outputting a blast radius of approximately thirty feet. Next slide, please, Gloria.

SFX: CLICK, AND THE CREW GASPS.

ZELDA
Oh my god.

GLORIA
Is that -

SKIP
These pictures of a fully operational Deceptionem were taken by an EMF operative thirteen hours ago aboard a tanker crossing Lake Michigan. It originated at the Canadian border, crossed Lake Huron, and made land in a port in Chicago. McGrath? Can you extrapolate based on what you see?

MACKENZIE
That thing looks like it’s about twenty meters in diameter, so if the effect is proportional to the volume, that’s a blast radius of about...fourteen and a half miles.

BOWDEN
Damn.

SKIP
It was shipped via ground transport to Skokie, which puts the entire Chicago region in jeopardy.

GLORIA
Who’s behind it?

SKIP
Sources suggest...it’s Athena O’Brien.

MACKENZIE
Son of a bitch!

ZELDA
Skip...Prescott handed this mission off to you?

SKIP
Assistant Section Chief...I know you’ve been reluctant to accept Prescott, but I’ve spent a half a year building a relationship with him.

GLORIA
And it worked!

ZELDA
It worked.

MACKENZIE
Yeah, it certainly looks like trusting Prescott worked, doesn’t it, Zelda?

ZELDA
It...does...doesn’t it. (sigh) It appears, Skip, that you’ve found in J.J. Prescott an ally who wants nothing more than for this team to succeed. Still, you’d need to organize an
entire mission -

SKIP
I’ve got a plane chartered and waiting at the airport for all four of us.

MACKENZIE
We’re in our pajamas!

SKIP
Your luggage is packed. We’ll dress when we land.

BOWDEN
But we’ll need backup -

SKIP
I’ve contacted Doctor Studebaker and he’ll meet us at O’Hare.

ZELDA
But your objectives -

SKIP
The Deceptionem must be destroyed at all costs. Athena O’Brien will not mind-bomb Chicago. Right, team?

BOWDEN
You can count on us, Skip. Incidentally and on a completely unrelated topic is there an award dinner for government contractors?

GLORIA
Bowden!

BOWDEN
Sorry.

GLORIA
We’re with you, Agent Granger!

MACKENZIE
Holy balls, we’re actual goddamn spies!

SKIP
Thank you, all of you! These are dark times, and we will rise to the challenge, and emerge triumphant -

SFX: DOOR OPENS

PRESCOTT
Skip! Oh, hey everyone.

SKIP
Section Chief Prescott! I was just briefing -

PRESCOTT
Oh, thank goodness I caught you in time! Skip, wow, there was a serious mix-up.

SKIP
A what?

PRESCOTT
My assistant, he’s new. He mixed up the briefing packets! So sorry.

SKIP
He...wait...this isn’t our mission?

PRESCOTT
The Deceptionem? No! Skip! Noo. So sorry folks. This was supposed to go to Records. THIS is your mission brief.

SFX: FOLDER HANDED OFF.

ZELDA
Hold on. Section Chief, you said this was going to Records?

PRESCOTT
That’s right, Zelda.

ZELDA
Then who’s working this intel?

PRESCOTT
Chet Philips is handling the Athena O’Brien matter.

ZELDA
As of his last report, Agent Phillips was on an ultra-black op in the middle of the ocean
infiltrating -

PRESCOTT
Uh uh uh, Zelda! Not in front of the kids, am I right?

ZELDA
Philips didn’t even give us his coordinates.

PRESCOTT
That’s right! We’re keeping the information secret, safe, and super compartmentalized! That’s a great motto, I’m gonna write that down...

ZELDA
So no one is handling Chicago.

PRESCOTT
Zelda, Chet has it well in hand. He’ll have Athena captured very soon, and the Deceptionem problem will go away. Anyway, Skip, while everyone’s here, you can get a jump on the new mission! Bright and early, just the way you like it! I’ll get out of your hair. Mind if I grab a coffee on my way out? Thanks, Gloria. Great work everyone! Way to spring into action! Like those pajamas, Bowden!

SFX: THE DOOR SHUTS. SILENCE.

GLORIA
Do you, uh...want me to switch the slides to the new mission, Agent Granger? Since we’re here?

SKIP
Mm hm.

SFX: SLIDE CHANGE. A SILENCE.

SKIP
Pictured you’ll see Renato’s Pizza. Last year the manager of this threestore
chain was suspected of knockoff sauce theft...

MACKENZIE
C’mere, Skip. It’s OK. Don’t cry.

SKIP
I was going to bargain for your freedom.

MACKENZIE
I know. It’s fine.

ZELDA
OK. Skip, send everyone home. The pizza will wait until morning.

BOWDEN
I don’t know...I don’t know how I’m going to sleep knowing I could wake up in a world where no one knows how to make an authentic Chicago deep-dish.

ZELDA
You get used to it.

BOWDEN
Zelda, sometimes you need a Chicago deep-dish.

ZELDA
I meant the not-sleeping part.

BOWDEN
Oh.

GLORIA
Chief, do you really believe Chet Philips will catch Athena O’Brien and stop this? That the EMF should put all their eggs in one basket?

ZELDA
I hate to say it, Gloria, but... sometimes you have to have faith that other people have things under control without your help. Have a good night, everyone.

SFX: Zelda opens the door, exits, and shuts it behind her.

MACKENZIE
Well, anyone wanna get late night waffles? I mean, I can’t leave with my curfew in place, but we could do Grubhub, throw on The Frighteners -

SKIP
We’re going to Skokie.

GLORIA
What?

MACKENZIE
Seriously?

BOWDEN
Can...we do that, Skip?

SKIP
As team leader I have leeway to interpret the scope of our missions.

GLORIA
But it’s not our mission -

SKIP
It landed on my desk.

BOWDEN
But it was a mistake.

SKIP
The people of Chicago are in grave danger and I have not received a form H-769 declaring the package I received null and void and therefore the mission is still
within my charge.

MACKENZIE
Then let’s go save Chicago.

BOWDEN
Let’s do it.

GLORIA
Let’s do it.

SKIP
The plane leaves in an hour and a half, so we’ll have to run.

BOWDEN
I’ll warm up Daisy!

MACKENZIE
Shotgun!

BOWDEN
Shotgun! Oh dang it.

GLORIA
Oh! Section Chief Prescott thinks we’re briefing - he’s going to want a response on that pizza mission.

SKIP
...you’re right Gloria. Get me his voicemail.

GLORIA
Sure thing, boss.

SFX: She dials. The phone rings.

SKIP
Get going. I’ll meet you all in the car.

MACKENZIE
You got it, Skip.

PRESCOTT (ANSWERING MACHINE)
This is Section Chief JJ Prescott. Please leave me a message.

SKIP
Section Chief Prescott? In regards to the Renato’s Pizza chain mission...rejected. Phew. That felt surprisingly good.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

SFX: A PLANE LANDING.

SKIP (on the phone)
Yes? Yes. OK, thank you.
(hangs up)
Okay, they say our luggage should be here by Thursday.

MACKENZIE
Sure. No problem. I love walking around unfamiliar midwestern towns in my GODDAMN PAJAMAS.

BOWDEN
This is why the airline industry is going broke.

GLORIA
Maybe we shouldn’t have booked on “Red Baron’s Bargains dot com”.

SKIP
Look, OK, I know we’re walking around Skokie, Illinois in our nightclothes -

MACKENZIE
Skip do your pajamas have a buttflap?

SKIP
Yes they’re a rugged outdoorman line THE POINT IS. We’re on a vitally important mission to save every man, woman, and child in this town and perhaps the greater Cook County area.

BOWDEN
Where’s Studebaker? Can’t he help us track this thing down?

SKIP
He was supposed to meet us at the airport under the name of Sanders.

MACKENZIE
STUDEBAKER CAN’T REMEMBER NAMES. The Deceptionem prototype got him,
remember?

SKIP
I...uh...listen I had very little time to prep this mission -

FITZ (OFF)
Agent Granger!

BOWDEN
Skip, I think this young gentlemen over here is trying to get your attention.

SKIP
We can’t be seen! This is a black op!

GLORIA
Everybody act casual!

(Everyone talks at once)

SKIP
Uhhh how are you today, ma’am? I just had breakfast at the local eatery -

MACKENZIE
We’re in pajamas in the middle of the street. I don’t think he’s gonna -

GLORIA
Excuse me can you direct me to the nearest local natural foods retail establishment -

BOWDEN
I have very strong opinions on the ending of the latest Star Wars Trilogy -

FITZ
Agent Granger!

SKIP
Sorry you must have mistaken me -

MACKENZIE
Oh, give it up Skip. Who are you, kid?

FITZ
Oh thank god I found you all! Doctor Studebaker sent me!

SKIP
Studebaker?

GLORIA
Is he here?

FITZ
No, well...he said, Agent Granger, that this was ultra-top secret, and he said he couldn’t get clearances, so he send me instead.

SKIP
Gosh darn it! I thought he might have trouble.

MACKENZIE
Or he decided not to risk his career by disobeying orders, so he sent a lackey in his place.

FITZ
Oh, I’m not a lackey, I’m an intern. I mean, graduate fellow -

GLORIA
You’re a graduate fellow? Me too!

FITZ
Oh hi! Oh sure I’m a graduate fellow but he keeps saying intern and then sometimes secretary and...oh god, it’s a nightmare!

GLORIA
I guess I got used to it.

FITZ
He doesn’t remember any of our NAMES!

SKIP
Oh, well that’s a medical issue that Studebaker has to deal with -

FITZ
No, I think he enjoys it! It’s torture! Have you ever had someone call you Joey, then Joe, then Joseph, then Christopher, then Janiqua, then Napoleon, all in the same sentence? Thank God I'm out of that lab! I can barely remember my own name!

SKIP
Don't worry, friend, we'll remember your name!

FITZ
Thank you!

SKIP
What is your name?

FITZ
Robert Fitzpivetz-Llellwellyn-Montague-Gwynne.

SKIP
Uh -

FITZ
You can just call me Robbie.

MACKENZIE
No no no, Skip's a consummate professional, he insists on calling everyone by their title and last name.

SKIP
Uh, yes.

FITZ
Well I'm not a Doctor yet, or a full-fledged agent, so it's just Mister.

GLORIA
Of course. And your last name was -

FITZ
Fitzpivetz-Llellwellyn-Montague-Gwynne. My parents decided to hyphenate their names when they got married. Unfortunately, each of their parents had also decided to hyphenate their names.

BOWDEN
Got it. Mister. Fitzsimmons -

FITZ
Fitzpivetz.

SKIP
Fitspivens.

MACKENZIE
It’s easy it’s Fitzpivetz-Llellwellyn-Montague-Gwynne.

SKIP (whispering)
How are you saying that?

MACKENZIE
Fitzpivetz-Llellwellyn-Montague-Gwynne. Try it.

SFX: They all say it simultaneously, all getting it wrong.

FITZ
And Athena O’Brien is here!

SKIP
WHAT?

FITZ
In this town! I spotted her!

BOWDEN
Lead with that next time, kid!

GLORIA
I thought Chet Philips was on the verge of capturing her!

MACKENZIE
The intel must have been wrong!

FITZ
Doctor Studebaker obviously didn’t realize that such a high-level target would be on location. So the standard procedure is, um...

SKIP
...for a class-Omega target...we can’t approach without backup.

MACKENZIE
You’re kidding me.

FITZ
Well, then, uh. I guess we have to call Section Chief Prescott and get our orders, huh? Sir?

GLORIA
Do we, Skip?

SKIP
...no. We do have backup.

FITZ
We do? Who?

SKIP
You.

FITZ
Me???

SKIP
Yes. Mister Fitzshabbaldingdong -

FITZ
Fitzpivetz -

SKIP
You’re part of the team now! This is our chance to not only destroy the Deceptionem but to capture Athena O’Brien!

GLORIA
You said you saw O’Brien?

BOWDEN
Where is she, kid?

FITZ
Oh, well, uh, I’m, not sure that’s a...good idea? We could get in big trouble -

MACKENZIE
Kid? I have two questions for you.

FITZ
Um ok.

MACKENZIE
One: did you see Athena O’Brien?

FITZ
Yes but -

MACKENZIE
Two: do you see my fist?

FITZ
She’s at a truck depot downtown, with the Deceptionem and a bunch of armed goons please don’t hurt me!

GLORIA
To the truck depot!

FITZ
Don’t you all, uh, wanna get dressed first?

SKIP
No time! Lead on, Mister Fitzpullahlollayouknowwhatwhatever let’s go!

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. TRUCK DEPOT WAREHOUSE

ATHENA (ON BULLHORN)
OK, people, great job! And remember to keep those lead-lined helmets on for when this thing goes off! Otherwise you could end up living a new life in Skokie Illinois, and nobody wants that.

SFX: Skip and the other sneak along a catwalk.

SKIP (whispering)
I can’t believe we’ve actually found her! Athena O’Brien!

MACKENZIE
Yeah, and look at that mind-bomb, it’s huge!

FITZ
You know, there’s still time to call for some, you know, real backup -

BOWDEN
Kid, sometimes Destiny’s calling, even if you’re not the person Destiny was expecting to find.

FITZ
OK, but -

BOWDEN
I mean, you could literally build an Academy Awards doll set from scratch when you’re eight years old and then after a lifetime of dedication find yourself accidentally in a position to give an Oscar-winning performance, only for everyone to think it was your stupid brother and no one will ever ever recognize your accomplishment -

GLORIA
Um. Bo?

SKIP
OK, we’ll keep the plan simple. McGrath and Mister Fwwiddledee -

FITZ
Huh?

SKIP
Get to the Deceptionem. McGrath, you’ll have to dismantle its computer controls, and then Mister Fwafwafwa can render the Deceptionem inoperational.

MACKENZIE
It’s Fitzpivetz-Llellwellyn-Montague-Gwynn.

SKIP
That’s what I said.

MACKENZIE
Uh huh.

SKIP
The rest of us will have to cause a distraction.

GLORIA
Mackenzie, do you have your SnapFace printer?

MACKENZIE
Yup.

GLORIA
Bo, maybe you could pose as Athena?

BOWDEN
I could get the voice down, but I’m a foot too tall and I’m wearing pajamas.

MACKENZIE
Look, here’s the printer, knock yourselves out. Make sure you’ve got your earpieces in so we can stay in communication.

SKIP
Got it. Good luck, McGrath.

MACKENZIE
You too, buddy. C’mon, big FLMG.

FITZ
Who - oh, that’s me. Um, OK...

GLORIA
Okay, what’s the distraction?

BOWDEN
I have an idea. Hand me the SnapFace.

SFX: The SnapFace machine prints a mask.

BOWDEN
These disguises will be foolproof.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

SFX: Skip, Bowden, and Gloria struggle against their ropes.

BOWDEN
So...”foolproof” might have been overstating it.

ATHENA
You were just the fool to prove it, amiright? C’mon, that was funny, people, laugh! LAUGH.

SFX: Her goons, all women, force laughter.

SKIP
Just keep calm, team, and don’t provoke her.

ATHENA
So, these are those EMF masks, right? I’m assuming a bunch of Second City alumni didn’t actually come to offer me a discount on free sleepwear.

GLORIA
Hey, I’m definitely Tina Fey and you’re not!

SFX: Something whizzes by Athena's head and hits the floor.

ATHENA
Did you just whip a battery at me? How’d you even get that?

GLORIA
Woo! Upper Darby Summer Stage! Philly rules!

BOWDEN
Good commitment!

ATHENA
Hey, goon squad, pull those masks off, wouldja?

SFX: The goons forcibly rip off the masks.

ATHENA
What top agents did they put on my trail OH FOR GOD SAKES, YOU GUYS AGAIN? I’m the most wanted person on earth, this is who they send?

GLORIA
We’re...the people you’d least expect! We’re so unexpected, I bet you don’t even remember our names!

ATHENA
Skip Granger, Gloria Kovak, and Bowden Montcrief.

BOWDEN
Well, at least somebody will remember me after I’m dead.

SKIP
That’s all the information you’ll get out of us, Athena O’Brien! Name, rank, serial number!

GLORIA
You get a serial number?

BOWDEN
I don’t even get a parking space.

ATHENA
Oh, I think we’ll get plenty out of you. Bring me...the Ikea desk.

SFX: The goons begin to unload pieces of an unassembled desk.

SKIP
What...what are you planning to -

ATHENA
Show him the instructions.

SKIP
Oh God, there are so many of them!

GLORIA
Stay strong, Skip!

ATHENA
See, before I sank that KGB interrogator Oleg Sokolov and the entire Des Moines Parking Authority to a watery grave, I learned all about their methods. And how they came close to breaking you, Skip.

SKIP
Oh god there’s no way they’re going to assemble that desk correctly!

GLORIA
You know it’s been scientifically demonstrated that torture doesn’t lead to true confessions.

ATHENA
Oh I know. That’s where the Deceptionem comes in. Power it gang.

SFX: They power it up.

ATHENA
See, I found a way to use the Deceptionem not only as a brainwave scrambler, but a brain-wave reader. Watch. I am Athena O’Brien.

SFX: DING!

ATHENA
I am a porpoise in disguise.

SFX: BRAAAP.

BOWDEN
God, you turned it into the ultimate lie detector!

ATHENA
So we’re gonna play 20 Questions, Skip. Truthfully. Or else -

SFX: SNAP.

SKIP
AAAH GOD YOU BROKE THE STRUT YOU MONSTER!

GLORIA
It’ll be OK, Skip!

MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
Skip can you hear me? Can you talk?

SKIP
Uh, um, yes I’ll talk!

ATHENA
(Laughs)

MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
Oh crap, you’re captured aren’t you?

SKIP
Just follow the instructions on that table, please! And don’t hurt Gloria and Bowden who are also captured!

MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
Great. OK, I’m almost into the computer systems, and then Studebaker’s secretary can shut down the mind-bomb.

FITZ (AUDIO TAP)
I’m not a secretary!

MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
Just keep her busy for a few minutes!

SKIP
OK I’ll talk!

ATHENA
Good. What’s your name?

SKIP
Skip Granger!

SFX: DING.

ATHENA
Who do you work for?

SKIP
The Extraordinary Missions Force!

SFX: DING.

ATHENA
And who told you where I was?

SKIP
Uhhh -

SFX: SNAP.

ATHENA
Whoops!

SKIP
Nooo!

ATHENA
That can’t be right.

GLORIA
It will be okay, Skip.

ATHENA
How are you supposed to put tab E in slot J?

SKIP
You were discovered by an EMF operative!

SFX: DING!

ATHENA
Named...?

SKIP
Robert Fisssomething Bartleby Guam?

SFX: BRAAAP.

SFX: SNAP.

SKIP
STAHHHP!

ATHENA
Don’t make up names, Skip.

BOWDEN
He’s not lying! The agent’s name is Fitzpatrick Lollaby -

SFX: BRAAAP.

GLORIA
Fitzsimmons Laramie Montagna Gwimm!

SFX: BRAAAP.

ATHENA
Don’t lie to me, people.

GLORIA
That’s his name! Fitzsimmons Laramie -

SFX: BRAAAP.

SKIP
PLEASE STOP THAT SCREW DOESN’T GO THERE.

GLORIA
We’re saying his name this machine is just being overly critical!

BOWDEN
Welcome to my world.

GLORIA
Bowden, will you snap out of it!

SKIP
Fitzgibbons Prendergast Marley!

SFX: BRAAAP.

BOWDEN
I’m sorry I’ll keep my personal problems -

SFX: BRAAAP.

BOWDEN
Wait, WHAT? I am sorry!

SFX: BRAAAP.

BOWDEN
What?

GLORIA
I don’t know why you’re so sullen all the time these days!

SFX: BRAAAP.

GLORIA
OK, I guess I can figure out why but it's still -

SFX: DING!

GLORIA
Can we please shut that machine off for just a minute?

ATHENA
You kidding me? This is fantastic.

BOWDEN
I mean, we’ve been avoiding the topic for a month, I don’t feel the need to talk about it.

SFX: BRAAAP.

ATHENA
I think you do.

MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
I’m almost in, Skip, you OK?

SKIP
What’s his name? What’s his name?

MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
Are you trying to say Fitzpivetz -

SKIP
Yes!

MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
Just say it! Fitzpivetz-Llellwellyn-Montague-Gwynne!

SKIP
Fitzspiven-Lollo-

SFX: BRAAP.

MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
Are you even trying?

SKIP
PLEASE STOP ASSEMBLING THE IKEA FURNITURE.

BOWDEN
All right fine, let’s discuss the elephant in the room: I’m upset about the Lord Nero Oscar.

SFX: Ding!

GLORIA
How can you be upset? You won the award!

SFX: Ding!

BOWDEN
Nobody will ever know it was me! They think it was my stupid brother!

SFX: Ding!

GLORIA
What difference does it make?

BOWDEN
Gloria, you’re an amazingly accomplished person, don’t you ever want to be recognized for it?

GLORIA
Well, I do a lot of work at the office I don’t get recognition for.

SFX: Ding!

GLORIA
I guess it just doesn’t matter that much to me.

SFX: BRAAAP.

GLORIA
What?

ATHENA
Uh oh.

GLORIA
Oh, shut up, Athena!

SKIP
Fitzspiffy Lollopalooza!

SFX: BRAAAP.

MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
Skip, are you like, not hearing what I’m saying?

SKIP
I’M SAYING IT

MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
Fitzpivetz!

SKIP
Fitzpinitz!

MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
FITZ. PIVETZ. Like an IKEA desk FITS, and then it PIVOTS.

SKIP
FITS PIVOTS!

MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
Yes! That’s it!

SKIP
Fits pivots!

MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
Good! Llellwellyn!

SKIP
OH COME ON.

BOWDEN
Gloria, can’t you understand? Sometimes I need validation.

SFX: Ding!

GLORIA
An award is not validation!

SFX: Ding!

GLORIA
Don’t you know how good an actor you are without awards?

BOWDEN
No.

SFX: Ding!

GLORIA
NO?

BOWDEN
Every rejection, every lost callback, every Variety article I read about another successful movie star is proof in my heart that I’m a failed actor.

SFX: Ding!

GLORIA
Bo, you are not a failed actor.

SFX: BRAAAP.

GLORIA
What! I don’t believe he’s a failure!

SFX: BRAAAP.

ATHENA
Mmmmmm I think you do though!

GLORIA
I just want you to stop worrying about that award!

SFX: Ding!

BOWDEN
I know that!

GLORIA
It’s a dumb acting award who even cares about that award!

BOWDEN
I DO.

SFX: The machine dings! repeatedly through Bowden’s next lines.

BOWDEN
I’m sorry and I know it’s petty and stupid and I know what people think about me.

SFX: Ding!

ATHENA
Harsh!

GLORIA
Bo -

BOWDEN
I know I’m being vain, I wish I could be the kind of person who doesn’t care about awards and I’ve tried, Gloria, I’ve tried so hard not to care, and I can’t. I can’t change who I am. I’m never going to be a person who doesn’t care about fame and fortune and awards. And I think you and everybody I know would be better off if I was somebody totally different.

GLORIA
Bowden Montcrief. I know that I am better off with you the way you are than I would be without you.

SFX: BRAAAP.

GLORIA (CONT'D)
SHUT THAT THING OFF BEFORE I RAM IT DOWN YOUR THROAT ATHENA!

ATHENA
I’m gonna go get some popcorn.

SKIP
WAIT. FITZPIVETZ! LLELLWELLYN! MONTAGUE! GWYNNE!

SFX: The computer shuts down.

ATHENA
Whoa. Was that, like, a magic curse?

SKIP
I said it!

ATHENA
Why did my computer shut down?

MACKENZIE (ON PA)
Sorry Athena! Say goodnight to your computer systems!

ATHENA
Ugh. Goddammmit!

SKIP
Wait! But I said it right, right?

ATHENA
I don’t know I wasn’t listening.

SKIP
Computer, I said it! Do the ding!

ATHENA
OK, people, we got a rat on the premises! Go dind her!

SKIP
I said it! Fitzpiven...lolla...SHIT.

ATHENA
Knock it off, Skip, we’ll catch your friend, get the computer started up again, and you can say Fitzbobbledee Boo or whatever till you’re blue in the face.

MACKENZIE (OVER THE PA)
Yeah, not gonna happen Athena. We’re taking you down right now.

ATHENA
Really? You and what army?

SFX: BOOM. The floodlights go on.

MACKENZIE (OVER THE PA)
Me and this army, girlfriend!

PRESCOTT (OVER THE PA)
You’re surrounded! Drop your weapons!

GLORIA
Chief Prescott!

ATHENA
Ah, crap.

SFX: Mackenzie runs over and cuts Skip and the others loose.

MACKENZIE
Hold tight, I’ll cut you loose.

SKIP
Ow! Thanks McGrath.

MACKENZIE
Not a prob, Skip. You handled that IKEA torture like a boss! We shut this thing down, and of course then Prescott shows up. You guys OK?

GLORIA (She's not fine)
Yup, fine.

MACKENZIE
You sure?

BOWDEN (He's not sure)
We’re good, thanks McGrath.

SKIP
McGrath, I’m going to make sure that my report reflects how YOU neutralized the Deceptionem. That has to get you off the hook for good.

MACKENZIE
So, what, I can retire to Fiji?

SKIP
So you can be free. To do whatever you want.

MACKENZIE
Huh.

SKIP
What?

MACKENZIE
I dunno. I dunno what I want. What would you do?

SKIP
Me? I...I don’t -

PRESCOTT
Agent Granger!

SKIP
Section Chief!

PRESCOTT
I didn’t authorize this, Skip. You went AWOL, I had to send an asset of my own to keep track of you.

SKIP
Wait, what asset did you send?

PRESCOTT
Mister Fitzpivetz-Llellwellyn-Montague-Gwynne.

SKIP
WHAT?

BOWDEN
Oh that little rat!

GLORIA
But Doctor Studebaker -

PRESCOTT
I told Dr. Studebaker he could join you in the field as soon as he had successfully completed two games of Guess Who? At last report they were on hour 12 of game one.

MACKENZIE
You total dick.

PRESCOTT
And while he was busy with that, I “borrowed” his graduate fellow. I've had my eye on that young man for some time. I told him to bring up the subject of backup protocols, thinking it would deter you, Agent.

MACKENZIE
C’mon J.J. The paperwork got messed up, and you know Skip was within his rights to accept this mission. He played by all the rules.

PRESCOTT
Ms. McGrath -

MACKENZIE
We caught Athena O’Brien, man.

PRESCOTT
Did you?
(to his team)
Bring her over.

SFX: A couple of agents bring over Athena.

ATHENA
Hey folks! We had some laughs, huh? I guess I’ll get to see old Pops in EMF jail soon.

PRESCOTT
Unfortunately, no you won’t.

ATHENA
What do you...what -

SKIP
Sir!

SFX: Prescott peels off Athena’s mask. Everyone gasps in shock, including Athena.

SKIP
You’re not Athena O’Brien!

ATHENA/LUCKY
Yes I am! What did you do -

PRESCOTT
Let’s get this voice synth off you -

ATHENA/LUCKY
What -
(now Lucky’s voice)
My voice! What is this?

MACKENZIE
She’s Lucky, Athena O’Brien’s helicopter pilot! How did she get my SnapFace tech?

PRESCOTT
Athena probably reverse-engineered particulates from the masks you were wearing when she last captured you.

BOWDEN
But why does Lucky think she’s Athena? Even the Deceptionem said she was telling the truth -

GLORIA
Oh my god. Athena must have used the Deceptionem on her!

SKIP
And made her believe that she was Athena!

LUCKY
What are you talking about?

PRESCOTT
Take her away.

LUCKY
Hey! I’m Athena O’Brien - you get your hands off ne!

SFX: Lucky gets dragged off.

PRESCOTT
How do we keep information here at the EMF, Skip?

SKIP
Um...secret, safe, and super compartmentalized?

PRESCOTT
You were not meant to witness this ultra-classified device.

SKIP
Sir, you handed me this mission -

PRESCOTT
You are a junior agent working with a contractor, a felon, and an intern, none of whom should be privy to the fact that we have taken possession of this asset. YOU WERE NEVER SUPPOSED TO SEE ANY OF THIS!

SKIP
Sir, my team led you here. We saved three million people. And we have to destroy the Deceptionem anyway, does it really make a difference that we saw it?

MACKENZIE
He’s not gonna destroy it.

GLORIA
What?

SKIP
Of course he -

MACKENZIE
He called it an “asset”. He’s not gonna destroy it, he’s gonna keep it in the EMF toy box.

SKIP
Sir, no! This device violates a dozen international laws. Didn’t you tell me, you and I, we’re men who live our lives by the book?

PRESCOTT
...all right, Skip. I promise, you won’t ever have to worry about the Deceptionem again.

SKIP
Thank you sir.

MACKENZIE
Whatcha doing with that lead-lined helmet, J.J.? I wouldn’t wear it too long if I were you.

BOWDEN
It looks like a helmet out of Ian McKellan’s closet.

GLORIA
You mean Magneto?

BOWDEN
No, I’ve just seen Sir Ian’s closet.

PRESCOTT
Lemme just get this on here...there we go.
(into the radio)
Do we have the Deceptionem under control?

FITZ (ON THE RADIO)
Uh, yessir.

PRESCOTT
Short burst, please.

MACKENZIE
What?

SKIP
Sir what are you -

SFX: A SHORT TWANG.

SFX: SKIP, MACKENZIE, BOWDEN, AND GLORIA COLLAPSE TO THE GROUND, UNCONSCIOUS.

SFX: PRESCOTT REMOVES HIS HELMET.

PRESCOTT
Okay, Mister Fitzpivetz-Llellwellyn-Montague-Gwynne, I need a clean up crew.

FITZ (running over)
Uh, sir? Just making sure that my...this will secure my transfer out of Doctor Studebaker’s lab -

PRESCOTT
It will, son. You’re an Agent now.

FITZ
Thank you, sir. So...are Agent Granger and his team...

PRESCOTT
Disavowed. The Deceptionem’s gonna come in handy for EMF agency disavowals from now on, son. It used to be a messy process. This is gonna be nice and simple.

FITZ
Uh, where should we put...Agent Granger and his team, sir?

PRESCOTT
You decide, Agent. Find a little town where they can live out the rest of their lives in anonymity. Put a nice story in their heads about who they are. Something dull and unassuming. I want the Deceptionem boxed up and shipped to our shielded warehouse in D.C.

FITZ
Yes sir. And...

PRESCOTT
Yes, Agent?

FITZ
Athena O’Brien, sir?

PRESCOTT
Oh I have no doubt that very soon, Chet Phillips will have the real Athena O’Brien in custody.

MUSIC: END THEME

MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected was created by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin. This episode was written and directed by Pete Barry. It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Nazli Sarkpaya as Mackenzie McGrath, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief, Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders, with Kirk White as Chet Phillips and Kevin McGrath as the Mission Voice.

Also starring Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien, Jean Barry as Quinn Corrino, Jill Ivey as Lex Hammond, and Bob Killion as Archie Grant, Firtz, and The Admiral.

Guest Starring Rebecca Serfass as Lucky and Dave Serfass as J.J. Prescott

Music, sound editing, and mixing by Pete Barry.

Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter and Instagram @MissionRejected. Support us on Patreon for exclusive audio, bonus content and more at www.patreon.com/missionrejected.

This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2020 Extraordinary Missions Limited.

SFX: Coms static.

INT. VOLCANO BASE - NIGHT

CHET
OK, team. Final position check on operation Rocks-in-a-Box.

ARCHIE (ON COMMS)
I’m at the weapons depot near the main entrance.

LEX (ON COMMS)
I’m, like, lurking in the server room, with my total-access pass to the security systems?

QUINN (ON COMMS)
I’m across the lip of the volcano from Lex. I can see Archie through my scope.

CHET
And we’re at the back door. Ready to run, Admiral?

ADMIRAL
Ready, Mister Doe.

QUINN (ON COMMS)
What’s the word, boss?

MUSIC: ACTION MUSIC

CHET
The word is...go!

LEX (ON COMMS)
Setting off the alarms...now.

SFX: BLARING ALARMS!

CHET
We’re in! Archie, time for those dramatics!

SFX: Transition noise

ARCHIE (In another part of the base)
Oh god! The volcano’s ruptured along its base! We need fire teams down here in five minutes or the munition dumps are all gonna...I can’t help but notice you’re all looking at me like this isn’t a problem.

MUSIC: STOPS

ATHENA (ON PA)
That’s because we knew you were coming, Archie.

MUSIC: ACTION MUSIC

ARCHIE
Bollocks! We’re made!

SFX: A guard hits Archie with a taser. He drops. TRANSITION NOISE -

LEX
OMG, Archie’s down! His vitals are stable but elevated, they must have tased him?

CHET (ON COMMS)
Lex, lock down all -

GOON
Freeze!

LEX
Uh, they’re like, here?

QUINN (ON COMMS)
Lex run!

LEX
Too late -

SFX: Lex gets TASED. TRANSITION NOISE TO...THE ACCESS HALLWAYS!

CHET (ON COMMS)
Quinn, regroup!

QUINN
I can’t leave Lex and Archie!

CHET (ON COMMS)
You have no clear path to the watchtower!

QUINN
...yes I do.

CHET (ON COMMS)
Wait...wait, Quinn, what are you doing?!?

SFX: Quinn CHARGES! Two guards try to STOP HER!

GUARD 1
Hey you! Stop -

SFX: Quinn UNLOADS HER GUN AT THEM! They DUCK!

QUINN
Anyone got the guts to follow me?

SFX: Quinn crashes through a door and into a ROARING INFERNO! Her breath quickens, but she hustles through the space, smashing doors and automatic guns.

ATHENA (AUTOMATED)
Warning. This is an automated alert system. You have entered a restricted volcano area. I don’t know what life choices led you here, but let me just repeat: you’re in a volcano. Maybe not the best idea, but hey, what do I know, I’m just an automated alert system inside a volcano.

CHET (ON COMMS)
Quinn, please, get out of there! This op is not worth your life! We’ll find another way!

QUINN
I’m almost there. There’s a ledge, I’m gonna have to jump.

CHET (ON COMMS)
No, don’t -

SFX: Quinn jumps. She catches the side of the volcano wall - and it CRUMBLES!

QUINN
No no no no no noooooo -

MUSIC: Stops

SFX: She falls into the DEPTHS OF THE VOLCANO! TRANSITION NOISE TO...

CHET
QUINN! DAMMIT!

ADMIRAL
Mister Doe -

SFX: Click. Chet puts a gun against the Admiral’s head.

CHET
Call me Mister Doe again, Admiral. Quinn would’ve loved to see me pull this trigger.

ADMIRAL
Don’t you remember, sir? I was showing you the way to Athena?

CHET
You’d better.

SFX: Chet RUNS through the base, PUMMELLING guards, DESTROYING automated guns, dragging the Admiral behind him. He moves and fights with the burning rage of revenge.

CHET
Where now?

ADMIRAL
Right down this hallway, sir! Almost there! Well that’s funny. There used to be a door here.

SFX: A beeping.

ADMIRAL
And that sound is new.

SFX: The floor DROPS OUT BENEATH THEM! Chet CATCHES HOLD JUST IN TIME! The ADMIRAL HANGS ON!

ADMIRAL
And who installed a brand new pit trap with diamond-tipped spinning blades at the bottom? Hold on, Mister Doe! Don’t drop me!

CHET
GRRRGH! Well, I always said you were gonna be the death of me, Admiral. Maybe we’ll be the death of each other.

MUSIC: END STINGER